SHARPER:

As I sit still, it feels like there is literally a sword in my chest, a result of stress. My life has been a whirlwind of busyness since I have arrived at college. Year after year I pile on more “stuff” that I believe is not on option to give up, therefore my days are packed with good things. It is truly wonderful- when everything is going well. But throw in a broken heart and a stressful living situation and everything seems to fall apart. I feel empty, I feel that my emotional capacity is at zero, and so I turn to The Lord. He restores me. It does not feel this way at this point, but I trust in His unfailing faithfulness. All throughout my life I went to Christian camp, and every year there was a theme and a verse that we all memorized. One year, when I was in late elementary school we memorized Hebrews 4:12.

“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

At that point in my life it was just another verse, I didn’t understand what it meant. I had a visual of what a sword would look like going through my body, and a ghost of my body (my knowledge of a spirit). But as I sit and feel the sword in my side I have a deeper understanding of this verse. The Lord is constantly reminding me that it is not about me, that I can’t do it on my own, that I need Him, only Him. Therefore, I need to die to myself so that He can live in me. Sacrifice is not without suffering and pain. I am emotionally and physically suffering, His sword is penetrating me and cutting away all of the things that I hold on to, that are worldly desires of my heart, not of His. It is painful, but I trust Him. I trust that His plan, His love, His life for me is greater than I can imagine. So I am still, or am trying to be still. I want to let The Lord work in me. I am staying in the pain because of the hope of a better life in Christ. But being still is not really in my skill set and right now it is not only uncomfortable, but also literally painful. So I ask my Father to enter in, to still and quiet my soul that I may be painfully tuned to joyfully sing His praise.